Why You Lack Confidence

Can we get real for 5 minutes?

Let’s talk about something we all struggle with at some point, but rarely want to talk about: 

Confidence.

Or more specifically, the lack of confidence that keeps us small.

You want to take on a new challenge, change jobs, say 'yes' to an exciting opportunity, or deliver that presentation and be visible in front of the executive committee—but there's something holding you back.

Or brings you to a screeching stop.

It’s that nagging voice in your head telling you:

• You can't do this.
• You're not good enough.
• You're not ready.
• You don't know how.
• Someone else is more qualified.

And the list goes on and on and on.

Am I right?

In a world where 85% of people struggle with low confidence and self-esteem, it's clear that self-assurance is a widespread epidemic.

Plus, lack of confidence has an insidious way of creeping into our lives.

Maybe it shows up when you wonder if you truly deserve that promotion, or if your success so far has been nothing more than luck.

Maybe it rears up before that unexpected meeting with your VP-level skip manager, distracting you and causing you to spin into uncertainty.

Maybe it’s that hesitation before speaking up in a high-stakes meeting, that convinced you or your ideas won’t be taken seriously.

Yup. I’ve been there.

And I know how paralyzing self-doubt can be.

It keeps you stuck, playing the JV game, limiting you from making the decisions and bold moves that could completely transform your career.

But why should you care?

The Cost of Low Confidence 

Let's face it. 85% of us struggle with low confidence at points in our lives or work. We throw around the idea that "we need more confidence". But have you ever stopped to think about the cost of low confidence?

Let's do some quick math: 1) Estimate the number of cumulative hours you spend in a day (or middle of the night) worrying, struggling, bickering, feeling anxious or uncertain. Let's say it adds up to 3 hours in a 24 hr period. 2) Take your monthly salary and break it down to calculate your hourly pay. E.g. $12k/160 = $75 3) Multiply by your worry hours. E.g. $75x3 = $225/day 4) Multiply across a week, month, year. When you look at it this way, I'm pretty sure you'd rather spend $54,000/yr on something else. 

Here are other areas that pay the price of lack of confidence:

• Struggling Mental Health: research has linked mental health and confidence, with underconfident people experiencing more depression. Makes sense, right? Our behavior is governed by how confident we feel in our abilities. When confidence is lacking, we think small and don't take actions that would help us improve.  

• Minimized Financial Success: high self-confidence makes you more likely to take risks, is correlated with higher levels of motivation and impacts your wealth accumulation. People with high self-confidence make $8,000 more annually than their less confident peers. 

• Difficult Interpersonal Relationships: Confidence is a key factor in building strong relationships and those with it are more likely to be viewed as trustworthy by others. Let's look at body language, for example. 55-60% of communication is based on body language. If our confidence is lacking, it shows in our body language. It's tough to build trusted relationships when there's misunderstanding and skepticism. 

• Poor Stress Management: it's waaay harder to manage stress levels when you're low on confidence. Why? When you're in any level of the stress response, you're operating more out of your emotional brain. Your prefrontal cortex is temporarily highjacked and thus you're more reactive. When you're reactive, you're less resilient. And the vicious cycle continues.  More confident and resilient = Lower stress 

• Lack of Career Growth: confidence is a key factor in successful leadership and career growth. 55% of employers consider self-confidence the most crucial soft skill when hiring. 93% of people believe self-confidence is crucial for career advancement. Enough said.

Why You Lack Confidence 

Early in my career, I was obsessed with confidence. I chased it. I researched it. I read books and listened to podcasts about it.

I wanted more of it.

I watched peers who were fearless. They either had the right answer or didn't seem to worry if they got it wrong. They took risks, they got promoted, they always seemed to be in the spotlight.

But me?

I spent an embarrassing amount of time second-guessing myself.

I believed that if I just did more, learned more, achieved more, pleased people more, hit more milestones or earned a few more gold stars, I'd "arrive".

But no matter how many awards I won or how much glowing feedback I received, my confidence stayed right at its set point.

Sound familiar?

The real turning point came when I learned about the connection between beliefs, stories and the stretch.

If increasing confidence is important to you, this is the part to pay attention to.

When I think back to my journey of confidence building, I'd summarize it into three levels. 

Limiting Beliefs, Rewiring Stories, Do The Thing

1. Understanding Beliefs: This is where most of us get stuck. Intellectually, we want to increase confidence and know it's important (aka the list above), but why do we keep self-sabotaging? The reason is because you're not getting to the root cause of lacking confidence. Typically your beliefs are formed when you're young (3-13) and they become what I call the 'mental operating system'. To be clear, you have many beliefs that serve you well. But the limiting ones are like the bugs in the system that need to be squashed. An example is 'I'm not good enough'. While we might consciously reject this and overwork or overachieve to counteract that operating system, it's always present in the background, waiting to trigger us in places where we're out of our comfort zone. Understanding and naming your limiting beliefs is step one. 

2. Rewiring the Stories: If there is a single skill that's transformed my thinking and my well-being, it's this one: the ability to catch the negative, judgemental or fear-based narratives (aka stories) that consume rent-free space in your head. You know the one... the voice saying you’re a fraud, or they're never going to hire you, or your boss hates you. They're loud, especially in times of uncertainty. But here's what you need to know: these narratives are rarely, if ever, based in fact. They make you feel crappy and at minimum, they're simply unhelpful. Rewiring your mental narratives/stories is step two: 

   • Pause. You've got to interrupt the pattern of unhelpful thought. One of my clients called this the 'power of the pause'. She's right.

   • Notice & Name. "Oh, there's that 'I can't' loop again. Hmm, unhelpful. I get to set this aside and focus on something better." 

   •  Replace & Rewire. Here's an example: 'The exec team thinks I'm underperforming.' Pause. Not factual and unhelpful. Rewire: 'I'm prepared, capable and they want me here for a reason' Yes!!  

3. Do the Thing or, what I fondly call 'the stretch': Let's face it...comfort zones are a cozy place to visit but not a place to live. Understanding your root cause belief is step one. Rewiring the unhelpful narrative is step two. But you can't just sit in the zen of self-awareness and expect confidence to increase. You need to stretch beyond your comfort zone and do the thing you've been resisting. This is where you begin building trust - and proof - that you can. And you won't die. :-) Confidence isn’t about having everything figured out. It’s about trusting yourself enough to take action—even when you don’t have all the answers.

How to Unleash Confidence

Building confidence doesn’t happen overnight. But with consistent effort, you can absolutely get there. 

Here are five strategies that have worked for me and for and the clients I've worked with:

1. Start Small: Confidence is like a snowball. The more you take on small challenges and succeed, the more confident you’ll become. This could be as simple as speaking up in a meeting or volunteering for a new project. Start with what feels manageable and build from there.

2. Test and Learn: When you reframe your mindset around 'testing' a new action, there's less pressure. Do the Thing, reflect on what happened and what you learned, and build from there. It's not a black/white or win/fail, it's more like a scientific approach of continual improvement.

3. Celebrate Wins: You may be overlooking your accomplishments or brushing them aside, thinking they weren’t “big enough.” But every win matters. Celebrate the small victories, whether it’s completing a task or getting positive feedback. Recognizing your progress builds momentum.

4. Visualize Success: Visualization is a powerful tool. Picture yourself succeeding in the situations that scare you—whether it’s a presentation, a tough conversation, or a new role. The more you visualize success, the more you’ll believe in your ability to achieve it.

5. Find a Mentor or Coach: Having someone who believes in you when you don’t can make all the difference. Sometimes you simply need a partner in the process. Seek out a mentor or coach who can guide you, encourage you, and help you see your strengths even when you’re struggling to see them yourself. And yes, we can help you with this. :)

The Bottom Line

Self-doubt thrives in silence and isolation. The less action you take on it, the more powerful it becomes. That’s why it’s so important to challenge those limiting beliefs and negative Nelly thoughts directly:

• Start by recognizing them for what they are: Just thoughts—not facts.
• Replace & rewire them: Instead of thinking, “I’m not experienced enough,” try, “I'm prepared. I've got this.”
• Gather evidence: Keep a record of your stretches and your wins—big and small. This is a powerful reminder of what you’re truly capable of.

If this is something you’re struggling with, I’ve created a free resource that dives deeper into how to silence that inner critic.

Check out the Overcome Imposter Syndrome Video Training on my website for actionable steps you can start using today.

The Weekly Career Edge

Here’s a challenge for you:

Take one action (Do the Thing) this week that scares you or that you've been resisting. Maybe it’s sending an email to someone you've been avoiding, speaking up in a meeting, or asking for the feedback you’ve been putting off.

The key is to push past that comfort zone and the discomfort.

When you do, send me an email and let me know what you did. Accountability is another tactic for change. You’ll find that your confidence will grow with every step.

Be brave,

— Julie

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